'I'm just stunned': Parents save $20,000 for son's future home, now all grown up he's ready to put a down payment, but his wife feels uneasy about accepting the "free" money

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Elna McHilderson • Managing Editor
Mar 2, 2024 9:00 AM EST

Do parents really give "unconditional" money or is there always "something" attached to it?

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  • It's said that parents love their kids unconditionally. But even if that is true, does that mean the money they give you is also “unconditional?” That is the exact question this Redditor's wife is asking. 

    Reddit user Mikepianoman has come to the site to get insight into his current situation. His parents have been saving money for him since he was born. They kept an entirely separate bank account for their checking and savings and garnered around $20k for him to eventually buy his own home. Now, all grown up and married, he is ready to put a down payment on a house. His parents are excited for him and offer the money right away. which he is happy to accept. 

    However, his wife has hit the brakes. She doesn't trust “free” money, even if it's coming from loving parents. The situation is getting a 50/50 response on whether he should accept the money or not. What would you do?

    Is homeowning in your future? See what these new homebuyers are discussing. 

  • 01
    "I clarified that the money is, in fact, unconditional yet she still doesn't want to take it."
    via Ron Lach via Pexels
  • 02
    Wife is reluctant to take a down payment gift My wife and I are looking at buying our first home and my family has offered to give us a sizable gift for our down payment. ($20K to be exact.) My parents said they had set aside funds when I was young so its not coming out of their current savings or checking.
    via Mikepianoman
  • 03
    I can't believe their generosity and immediately thanked them and accepted the gift. My wife however does not want us to take this gift. She says money always comes with strings attached. I clarified that the money is in fact unconditional yet she still doesn't want to take it. She says, "We should only take money from family if we're desperate and need it. With our first house we need to do this on our own." Has anyone else been in a similar situation? I'm just stunned and don't know how to res
    via Mikepianoman
  • 04
    Elegant-Pressure-290 1 day ago Everyone here is saying take the money, and in general I agree, but I have a few questions. How does your wife get along with your family? Everything good there? Any issues with boundaries etc.? Controlling behavior on their part? If the answer to all of that is no, then you're good to go. If you can say in honesty that there have been issues, then she might be right as far as there being strings attached. 695 Reply Share
    via Elegant-Pressure-290
  • 05
    GlizzyMcGuire__. 1 day ago Those were my questions too. My sister has the type of MIL that offers help all the time because she's a good Christian lady. But that help always gets brought up later when she wants control over my sister and her husband's lives and decisions. 381 Reply Share
    via GlizzyMcGuire__
  • 06
    Journeyman351 20 hr. ago Grew up with this from my mother, makes me inherently distrustful of any help from anyone. Ing 26 no etsprout 17 hr. ago My MIL has helped my husband out numerous times, but from her personal account and it's always "don't tell your father" which is so sad to me. Reply Share 9 Reply Share
    via Journeyman351
  • 07
    helpbeingheldhostage 23 hr. ago . edited 23 hr. ago This is right. It might be fine, but there's a plausible chance his wife is right. There's not enough information to go on, and I certainly know people from whom I would never consider accepting a gift like this. Also, seeing as this is OP's parents, I think I'd really need to hear his wife's thoughts on her relationship with them too. However, this could also be a situation where it would be ok to accept the gift, and the wife has experience w
    via helpbeingheldhostage
  • 08
    MSPRC1492 13 hr. ago I agree. It would be very difficult for me to accept that gift from my girlfriend's parents but they probably wouldn't have strings attached. They've never been that way. Mine, on the other hand... well I learned to never accept anything for any reason. 69 6 Reply Share
    via MSPRC1492
  • 09
    o salt_slip75 21 hr. ago Even if the in-laws are relatively benign it can be uncomfortable to be the spouse/partner receiving a gift like this. One friend's FIL is nowhere near that level but he has a habit of making passive aggressive comments. He gifted the couple a generous amount of money for home renovations but makes comments like "I just don't understand why people your age want all these (painted cabinets/open shelves/unique tile/whatever)." He would absolutely never ask for the money ba
    via salt_slip75
  • 10
    Lilly6916 17 hr. ago What's the wife's relationship with her own family? Maybe she's seen the strings up close and personal. Talk to her about how money was managed in her family. Maybe meet with your parents together. I wouldn't want to feel dependent on my family, but $20k is a big boost in your life. 6 Reply Share
    via Lilly6916
  • 11
    ShirleyWuzSerious · 22 hr. ago Take $20k for the house but you need to name your first born son after you husband's great great great uncle's nephew. Reply Share 23 indi50 19 hr. ago What do you mean you don't have a guest room for us to come whenever we want, but we gave you money.... 16 Reply Share
    via ShirleyWuzSerious
  • 12
    Nard_the_Fox. 18 hr. ago I think you're spot on to question, and it seems like his parents are good natured by his description of events. Either the wife is more aware of the impact on the relationship than the OP, she's got her own overlapping family/money issues, or she's just completely dense.
    via Nard_the_Fox
  • 13
    It's one of the three. I'd wager option two is the most likely, as most of us didn't grow up in families with financial literacy and we've all got up attachments to money. Frankly, regardless of the reason, it sounds like the OP needs the help to buy the house. Everyone needs help these days. Staring a gift horse in the mouth when houses are up so much in price is just idiotic, especially when even a "strings attached" situation can be rectified with good, honest conversation. No chit chat will
    via Nard_the_Fox
  • 14
    dustsmoke 18 hr. ago It's either something like that or waiting to close on the house before she lets you know she's having an affair or wants a divorce. Ensures she has a roof over her head when it's all said and done. OP might need that money for a down payment on the next house. -4 Reply Share
    via dustsmoke
  • 15
    Unhappy-Potato-8349 1 day ago . My inlaws begged my wife and I to come stay with them until we save up enough to buy a house. Stated we could live there rent free, continue working, and start furthering our educations. I said no for a few years and during a hardship I gave in. It only took a few months for my mother-in-law to start talking about what I owe their family. I tried discussing the matter with my mother-in-law (father-in-law passed during the time and this was his idea), but she still
    via Unhappy-Potato-8349
  • 16
    Oy_With The_Poodles 19 hr. ago I'm sorry you have to deal with that!!! My husband had a suspicious red line running up his arm a few years ago. We decided we would keep an eye on it and then go to a clinic the next morning if it got worse. My family freaked out at the sight of it and demanded we go to the emergency room asap, despite the fact that he and I made it clear that we couldn't afford to do that and were happy to just keep monitoring. Finally they said that they would pay the bill, what
    via Oy_WithThe_Poodles
  • 17
    husband has extremely sensitive skin and the line was just from a mosquito bite that he absentmindedly scratched. I don't remember how much the visit was in total, but I know the single dose of Benadryl was $65. Lol. I gave the bill to my family and they refused to pay it because why can't we handle our own affairs???? "I'm so sorry for caring about his health! Don't worry, I won't do it again!" So if OPs wife has lived through a situation like that, or like what you described, I can totally und
    via Oy_WithThe_Poodles
  • 18
    wizl 23 hr. ago levels of desperation for money change over the course of life and the events that occur. If the family had a tragedy, then the mom might change her tune or demand to be moved in if she had no where to go because she paid for it. the relationship between humans and money changes. like others said, no idea how this plays out. 17 Reply Share
    via wizl

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